I’ve had this sense for a long time, since before I can remember, that I am preparing for my life, but not really living it yet.
It is like being in a perpetual state of “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I love to ponder all the possibilities for my life without having to make a decision.
Opportunity without commitment.
It feels safe too me, like rehearsing or being backstage before a play begins. I’m a little nervous about the performance starting, but in my mind, it never starts. I work backstage pretty much all the time, either preparing for the future or reflecting on the past.
There are fairly rare instances when I am thrust into the realization that THIS IS MY LIFE…
happening RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes that is terrifying, like when I go to a job fair or interview, when I have to speak in front of an audience of my peers, when I’m being observed by a supervisor, or when I make a large purchase. Other times, it is scary, but exhilarating, like when I choose the destination of our next big trip out of the country.
When I’m traveling, I am in a state of mind to appreciate the present moment much more of the time.
Aside from some time spent reading the guidebook in preparation or writing e-mails reflecting and updating family and friends – I am just living. I get into a groove of living my life, without much concern for how others see or judge me – like dancing at a drum circle or even making love in a public setting.
In that state of awareness, I know that each day, each moment, each experience is an opportunity that won’t come around again. I can make of it what I want, and move on.