Embracing the Unknown

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the changes that have taken place in my life since my children’s births.

I’ve been aware that my daughter’s birth sparked a domino effect in my life – her birth was the point at which the seed of my new self began to grow and unfold. That is when I began the path to making every part of my life as blissful as that moment. Everything has built from there – leaving my job, dreaming about a life of travel, spending time with my daughter as her Mother, becoming more the wife I want to be, learning to live a more blissful everyday existence…

But what about my first home birth?

It was revolutionary for me in its own way, yet so different.

What was it then?

It was a dismantling of my old understanding of the world. My son’s birth was an attack on my ego. It was at times beautiful, and at times terrifying. It was the loss of my sense of security in knowing and my sense of superiority in believing that I knew something. It reduced me to a place of not knowing, of wonder, of curiosity, of contemplation.

It caused me to begin to rethink everything. After his birth, I asked, “If birth could be so different than I thought, what else has my society/culture taught me incorrectly? Health? Medicine? Diet? Religion? Parenting? Education?”

Everything came into question.

And I didn’t find any answers.

I realized, I know nothing.

Aside from the birth itself, my son’s personality as a baby also served to show me how little I know and how much I may need to question my culture’s input. He didn’t like cribs, swaddles, carriers, car seats, etc. His personality reduced me to a constant questioning state. I could not know anything, and if I did think briefly that I found an answer, it would only work for a few hours, days, or weeks and then we’d be back to the drawing board.

This place of not knowing, perpetual questioning, for the three years leading up to my daughter’s birth, prepared me for this next phase. Her birth and being felt incredibly healing for me, because all of a sudden something made sense, something worked in my world.

Her birth was perfect. She was in a continuous state of bliss.

I didn’t understand it at the time, but she was showing me that to not know, to question, to wonder, to be curious… is to be blissful. My confusion was thinking that I had to find the answer. But the not-knowing is the answer. Perhaps it is the greatest wisdom.

To live life from a place of unattachment, of not knowing, of not planning… that is to live in the moment.

We can make a decision in the moment, it doesn’t matter what we decide. It will be perfect. To live life and see the perfection in all of it is to be blissfully aware of our lack of knowledge… of our lack of ability to comprehend anything in its entirety.

We can’t really know anything. But we can choose to see perfection, to see the connections, to look for the opportunities to learn and expand and become part of the whole. My second home birth was my rebirth as part of the universe.

When she was being born, I felt at first like a part of me was leaving my body. Then as I entered the water, the entire experience changed and I realized that she was not leaving, nor was any part of my body leaving me. I felt our oneness – my baby, the water, and me. She seemed to flow effortlessly from me – and as she emerged I reached down to feel her and know that she was a baby, not an undulating wave of water between my legs.

In the blissful moments that followed, I nursed and looked around… the french doors were open and birds were singing their hearts out as rays of sunlight streamed through the forest and into our room. It was as if the universe was welcoming me into itself… my own rebirth into my new reality.